The Breakdown - A Voyager Parody
by Astrascetic
Summary: Don't read this if you can't stand to see a little fun poked at Voyager. Part 1 of who knows how many.


Disclaimer: You know they're not mine. I know they're not mine. Heck, in this form they're hardly recognizable.  
  
Deep space - you know the drill -  
  
Tuvok: I must inform you, Captain, that a situation has arisen.  
  
Janeway: Well, what is it?  
  
Tuvok: I'd like to tell you, but I've run out of original script lines.  
  
Janeway: My God.. .. the writers have finally failed us.. ..but we've got a season and a half left!  
  
Neelix: Actually, make that a half a season, Captain.. ..Paramount just called and said they're pulling the plug on getting us home.  
  
Janeway: Dammit! After we'd come so close so many times.. ..  
  
Neelix: well actually, there was just that one time, and they rewrote that for four different epi-  
  
Janeway: Well what about the new species we encountered? How are we ever going to tell Starfleet about it now?  
  
Paris: I could put my foot down on the gas a little harder ---  
  
Janeway: Shut up, Paris.  
  
Paris: Well, if you would stop taking shore leave at every planet in the Delta Quadrant we'd have been home THREE SEASONS AGO! You KNOW how I hate piss breaks!  
  
Janeway: Hey, when you gotta go, you gotta go.  
  
Tuvok: In point of fact, the phrase you're looking for is "to seek out new life and new civi-  
  
Janeway & Paris: Shut UP, Tuvok.  
  
Neelix: I hate to interrupt, but I need to mug for some more camera time with my flaming self.  
  
Look at me! I'm dancing crazy!  
  
Chakotay: That's homoriffic, Neelix. Could we please start work on an episode here?  
  
Tuvok: I have already mapped out some solutions to our dilemma. Using the replicators, we could reformulate one of our previous scripts to be slightly different and yet reminiscent of past Voyager experiences.  
  
Janeway: Like time travel? 'Cause that gives me gas.  
  
Chakotay: No, that's your coffee, unless you've been hopping timelines in your captain's chair.  
  
Janeway: Oh, very funny.  
  
Chakotay: All I'm saying is when you give me the bridge be sure to include a can of Lysol.. ..  
  
Janeway: How 'bout I kick your ass off the bridge instead?  
  
Neelix: (while they scuffle) Goodness, all this bickering, and they didn't even show my dance! I could have kept that up for an hour, problem solved. Or maybe they could put my Talaxian stew up against Iron Chef! Ha! Let's see Bill Shatner host that one.  
  
Tuvok: No, thank you, Neelix. Everyone! The computer has suggested that we should engage a deadly enemy this week to keep ratings up.  
  
Janeway: Like who?  
  
Paris: The Borg?  
  
Chakotay: The Kazon!  
  
Harry: The Hirojin!  
  
Seven: Perhaps the Malons?  
  
Tuvok: I have a vessel approaching on scanners, portside stern, battleship class. It's the Hiborgjinzons.  
  
Janeway: Oh, for crying out loud.  
  
Paris: This really does suck.  
  
Tuvok: They are hailing.  
  
Janeway: Put them on.. ..on second thought, don't bother. I don't want to hear that gibberish. Fire aft phasers.  
  
Harry: But captain!  
  
Janeway: Look, if all our subplots are going to reek as bad as that one, we'll need to get through three or four before the hour is up.  
  
Chakotay: (mumbling under the sound of Voyager's phasers) I just hope they don't reek as much as your coffee farts.. ..  
  
Janeway: What was that?  
  
Chakotay: Nothing, Captain. Great plan, Captain. What's next, Captain? Geez, I'm not even scripted and I can't think of anything interesting to say.  
  
Janeway: He's got a point. Can we jettison him?  
  
Tuvok: I'm afraid not, Captain, but you're in luck. We're about to land on an alien planet and get caught up in the intricate dealings of some faux- diplomatic pre-technology society.  
  
Harry: Captain! We have a serious problem! Ratings are plummeting! The ship is losing power!  
  
Seven: Perhaps I should accompany the away team.. ..in a catsuit.  
  
Harry: Wait.. ..that seems to have done it. Ratings are returning to normal levels.  
  
Janeway: Well if I remember correctly normal isn't very good around here. Where's Kes?  
  
Paris: Remember Captain? We left her behind long ago, and she came back and tried to destroy the ship? She's been gone for years.  
  
Janeway: Bollocks, she's on the set next door filming "A Schlong for Mama." Go fetch her, would you, so we can put this away team together.  
  
Chakotay: I'm on it. (leaves)  
  
Paris: So we're still going to visit the planet? After the ratings fiasco?  
  
Janeway: What choice do we have?  
  
Paris: Well for one thing we could go find one of those wormhole-slingshot- interphasic warp drive thingies and take a few millennia off our trip home.. ..  
  
Janeway: Oh, relax, Tom. We have two commercial breaks left. I'm sure we'll get to it.  
  
  
  
Harry: Wait! We have a problem! Leonardo da Vinci will be accompanying the away team from the holodeck! Ratings are nearing critically low levels!  
  
Seven: Perhaps I should accompany the away team.. ..in a thong.  
  
Harry: We.. ..damn, Seven! I wanna go too.  
  
Janeway: Harry! The ratings!  
  
Harry: Ratings, schmatings, I want some mating!  
  
Seven: Your poetic abilities and keen alliteration seem to be charming. Very well. We will engage in intercourse. Remove your clothes.  
  
Harry: What, here? On the bridge?  
  
Seven: Would you prefer astrometrics?  
  
Harry: Nah, nobody'd believe me if I told them I did you in astrometrics. Here's fine. (begins to strip, as does Seven)  
  
Tuvok: Perhaps the Borg might have more accurately assessed their drone if they had referred to her as Two of Two.. ..I feel a Pon Farr coming on.. ..(Tuvok begins to wig out)  
  
Janeway: Tuvok, you're not due for another two years, just cool it. And you two, get a room for crying out loud.  
  
Chakotay (a little flushed and breathless): I wasn't able to find Kes!  
  
Janeway: Well then what took you so long?  
  
Chakotay: I did some pretty thorough searching (wink wink). (Sees Harry and Seven) Were they next door too?  
  
Janeway: All right, that's it! I want everyone who has had sex today OFF my bridge, and.(everyone leaves, including Neelix, except for Seven and Harry, who are in a compromising position by now) Well fine, I'll just sit here and fill the hour with coffee talk. No big whup.  
  
Harry (panting, leaning up from Seven) Captain, no! The ratings'll tear apart the ship!  
  
Seven: Perhaps I should accompany the away team.. ..naked and covered in Bolivian tanning oil.  
  
Tuvok: Captain, this is fascinating. Suddenly we're being watched more than the Super Bowl.  
  
Harry: The ship's being propelled past Delta Quadrant planets at blazing speed! (Looks at Seven) And so am Iiiiiiii.. ..  
  
(Kes walks onto the bridge)  
  
Kes: I thought we were done filming this thing, dammit.. ..Harry? Seven?  
  
Janeway: Kes, we need you to take over the away mission. Everyone here's too busy.  
  
Kes: First of all, my name is Receeba Lode now, and I'm not taking over any away mission.  
  
(Stepping onto the bridge)  
  
Leonardo da Vinci: I will-a lead-a you mission.  
  
Janeway: Get out! Quickly!  
  
(The ship grinds to a halt, everyone is thrown forward and lands on the floor near the viewscreen)  
  
Leonardo da Vinci: What-a did I do-a?  
  
  
  
TBC. 


End file.
